The Song I Never Sang

As I opened my mouth to sing, I realized nothing was going to come out. Sharp,

stabbing pains went throughout my body. I felt as if I were outside myself, watching everything that

was going on around me; suddenly I felt very scared. Too many people were crying; "Why won't

they stop? Just stop crying!" I thought as I stood behind the casket of my friend Jaclyn Gregory.

My mind began to drift to the times Jaclyn and I had shared. The first of those

thoughts was of the trip to new Orleans that our Chamber Choir had taken just one year before.

The bus ride to New Orleans had seemed like fourteen days instead of fourteen

hours. When we finally got to go into our motel room, I, along with everyone else was exhausted. I

heard Jaclyn's voice behind me saying how tired she was, but that she was too excited to be

sleepy. At that moment I thought to myself just how much fun we were all going to have.

In our room, we realized we were going to have a problem. There were five girls,

and only two beds. Jaclyn, Haley, Mandy, Adra, and I were all going to share a room, because

nobody wanted to be separated. We were discussing how we were going to sleep when Jaclyn

said, "Look, I will sleep on the floor and you all can have the beds. That way we won't have to be

separated."

"Why can't I just go back to that moment?" I thought to myself. Why on earth had I

told Mr. Dockery that I would sing at Jaclyn's funeral was beyond me. I guess I told him I would

do it because he needed me, and because he asked me to sing for Jaclyn. I had sung these songs a

hundred times before, but now felt as if I had never even learned how to open my mouth. Before

now, I had always sung standing beside Jaclyn; now I was behind her casket, and she was inside.

My mind began to wonder back to the trip to New Orleans. Nothing else would

come into my mind, except that trip.

"Man, it takes your hair a long time to dry." I told Jaclyn. She had been drying her

hair for about fifteen minutes, and I wanted to tease her. She just laughed and said, "Don't you think

I know that!"

We were all rushing around trying to get dressed. Everyone in our room was

excited about our shopping trip that day. None of us had ever been shopping at the Riverfront

before because none of us had ever been in New Orleans before this trip.

As I stood behind Jaclyn's casket,I concentrated on the back wall of the church. I

knew if I could just keep my mind empty, I would be okay. Then I heard the sound I will never

forget. Jaclyn's mother began to cry, and the music began to play. A feeling of panic went all over

me. I couldn't stand up to sing, I just knew I couldn't. Allison grabbed my hand to pull me up out

of my seat.

About halfway through the first song I began to feel the hot tears in my eyes, and

lump forming in my throat. I gave one large gulp, then shut my eyes. I began to think of all the good

times we had shared, now she's gone. I began to cry, first quiet sobs, then finally it all came out.

Uncontrollable sobs, which made everyone around me cry also.

I don't remember much after that; my mind seemed numb. I remember hearing

"Jesus Loves Me," and the minister talking to the congregation; I thought how ironic the funeral

scene was. When people are alive, we do not do anything to show how much we appreciate them.

Instead we wait until they are gone, then we have a memorial service.

After the minister finished talking, they led us outside. I felt like I had just lost a

small part of myself. My head began to spin, so I sat on a bench outside. I thought for an instant

that I was going to collapse, then I saw Jaclyn's casket. They brought the casket out and everyone

around me burst into tears. I had already cried so much, I did not think I had any tears left.

However, I soon realized that I did. I began to cry, not so much for the fact that she was dead, but

because I knew I would never see her smiling face again. As they put her casket in the hearse, I got

up and went to my car. I drove to the cemetery, and there I said my last goodbye to Jaclyn

Gregory.